The Bride of Drewbenstein
by Mahler Avatar
Summary: Dr. Drewbenstein tries to create the perfect woman. Will he succeed, or only accomplish what he invariably does? A parody of Kim Possible, plus a few classic horror comedies...


_Eddy 13 had asked me if I had any plans for a KP Halloween tale, and with that innocent query, a horrible plot bunny from the nether regions was spawned. It took me a little longer than I had planned though, since Halloween was two weeks ago. Friday the 13__th__ would have been good, but that's not until next February, so Thursday the 13__th__ will have to suffice. So before I destroy any last sense of anticipation with my blathering, let me disclaim that Kim Possible (and the movies I parody herein) are owned by their respective copyright owners, and I receive no remuneration except the joy of my own insane creativity._

_Oh, and leave a review, I'll send a response. And no tricks, only treats. _

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><p><em><strong>The Bride of Drewbenstein<strong>_

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><p>It was a dark and stormy night. Lightning burst forth from the sky like twisted fingers of brilliant light, randomly striking the countryside surrounding the tiny hamlet of Mittelstein. Each bolt would garishly illuminate the mysterious castle which stood on its gloomy vigil perched on a lonely hill overlooking the town. Inside the dark citadel, the blue-skinned mad scientist joyfully wrung his gloved hands together, cackling to himself as he continued to observe the fierce electrical storm.<p>

"Yes, a perfect night to complete my experiment. A perfect night indeed! For if all goes well, Dr. Drewbenstein will soon become world famous, as I complete my greatest create-my-own-bride scheme, _ever!_ That is, of course, only if my assistant was successful in his quest."

There was a heavy knock at the front door. The mad scientist turned in fright to his pert redheaded lab assistant.

"Oh dear! Could that be my 10 PM angry mob?"

But she reassured him, "No, Herr Doktor. It is only 9 PM."

"Well, _that's_ a relief. Please see who it is, Kimga."

Sashaying down the staircase in her white lab coat, she opened the castle door just as another lightning bolt lit up the face of the hunchbacked visitor, who was preparing once again to use the exquisite cast-iron doorknockers.

"Ooh, such _badical_ knockers, Kimga."

The assistant rolled her eyes. "Ach, zat joke is getting _zo_ old, Rongor. Come in, you must be soaked to the skin. Zo tell me, were you successful in your mission?"

Wiping a strand of wet blond hair out of his eyes, he eagerly pointed to the heavy package beneath his arm. "Ja, Ja! I have the perfect brain for the Doktor's purposes."

"Zo, where did you get it _this_ time? You didn't fool him mit zat _last _defective brain you got… who did you say it belonged to? Abbie Normal?"

Rongor nervously scratched the back of his neck. "Heh-heh. Not _zis_ time. I got it fresh from the morgue. It belonged to a young schtudent who tried to skip class, and was caught by the evil schoolmeister, Herr Barkinstein."

She nodded in approval. "Schpankin! The Doktor vill be very pleased. He's in his laboratory, zo go right up, bitte und danke."

Rongor trudged up the stairs and entered the lab. "Herr Doktor?"

The mad scientist grunted, "Over here, Rongor."

Dragging his lame leg behind him, he walked around the huge machine that dominated the room. On the wall, a large warning sign had been hung for all to see.

"_Achtung! Das machine is nicht fur fingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzen sparken. Das machine ist fur experten only! Ist nicht fur gerwerken by das dummkopfen. Keepen your hands in das pockets, relaxen und watchen das blinkenlights."_

Behind the machine, the evil doctor was making some final adjustments. He cursed under his breath as he accidentally gouged his hand with the screwdriver.

"Ouch!" He sucked his now bleeding finger. "A word to the wise, Rongor. Always keep sharp tools pointed away from you. Otherwise, you may end up like me."

As the doctor pointed at the deep scar beneath his left eye, Rongor frowned back and pointed toward his own lame leg.

"Too late, Herr Doktor, thanks to your _last_ Create-A-Bride plan. And why you feel it's necessary to install a self-destruct button on all of your sick und wrong inventions is totally beyond me."

The doctor responded with a mere shrug. "Nngh. Occupational hazards, I suppose."

Finally finished, he closed the access panel and triumphantly announced, "But that's all in the past now, for the Electrostatic Illuminator is at last complete! It is quite ironic that when my last experiment exploded, it knocked down a wall, behind which was my great-great-grandfather's secret library. I was overjoyed to discover not only the plans for this device, but his long-lost diary as well!"

He continued with an evil cackle. "In it he recorded in exacting detail his entire process for the reanimation of dead tissue, which inspired me to come up with my _latest_ create-my-own-bride scheme. No more trying to build the perfect robot girl, especially now that I can create the_ real thing!_"

As he flipped the main switch and twisted a dial, the machine responded with a deep hum, and a gauge quickly began to register a massive increase in stored energy. "There! With that raging thunderstorm out there, the ESI's capacitor should be fully charged in just under a half hour, and should contain more than enough electrical energy for me to complete my newest experiment. And since it draws electricity directly from the highly charged air around it, I no longer need any of those cumbersome wires and lightning rods I was forced to use before."

He added with a snicker, "But I may just keep them around for show, anyway. All that electrical arcing gives me a thrill like you wouldn't believe. It makes me feel _truly alive_…"

A blissful look appeared on his face as he exhaled a sentimental sigh. "Which is what I also hope to make my bride-to-be feel as well."

Noticing the bundle under Rongor's arm, he continued, "Ah! And I see that you have a little present for me."

"Yes, master…" Rongor drawled as he handed Dr. Drewbenstein the glass container holding the fresh brain. The doctor looked it over carefully.

"Yes, this brain looks _much_ better than the last one you brought me. And by using a newly perfected technique called cranial screw-top brain surgery that I recently read about, I should be able to implant this brain in its new host in just under 30 minutes, by which time the ESI should be fully charged. And then my dream will come true!"

"Vat dream is zat, Dr. Drewbenstein? The dream where you actually get one of your crazy schemes to verk?"

Kimga had just walked into the laboratory, a smirk on her face. Rongor snorted as he tried to choke back a laugh.

"Good one, KG…"

But the doctor was quite used to his assistant's sarcasm and immediately replied, "Tut, tut, my dear. Trying to rain on my parade, are you? I'll have you know that my brilliant research into brain transplantation is unsurpassed, and will probably make my name live beyond eternity."

Her eyebrows popped up in disbelief. "My, my, Herr Doktor. Zat sounds rather pompous, if you ask me."

He tapped his chin. "Hmm, you may be right. I shouldn't have said 'probably.' It makes me sound wishy-washy. But after tonight's success, neither you nor anyone else will _dare _question my genius _ever again!_"

He walked over to the wall and opened the cold storage unit, rolling out a gurney. Beneath the sheet lay Dr. Drewbenstein's greatest hope and his ultimate challenge. He tenderly removed the covering, revealing a strikingly beautiful woman in her late twenties. Her slender, lifeless form was clothed in a hospital gown made up of a harlequin pattern of black and green, and she lay as still as death. But with her long, raven black hair and pale green skin, she was still the epitome of loveliness, at least to the doctor. He gently stroked her cool face, upon which a maniacally goofy smile was frozen in place.

"Yes, that case of brain frost and the resulting paralysis stole your tender young life away, my dear. But my brilliant mind has come up with the perfect solution! For tonight, I shall give you the gift of life."

Giving her face another tender caress, he dreamily continued, "And in thanks you will give me your hand in marriage, and then you and I shall live happily ever after…"

Kimga muttered under her breath, "Ja, zat vill be the day..."

The doctor turned to his assistants and commanded, "Prepare her for the operation."

Using the new cranial screw-top brain surgery technique that he had just mastered, having thoroughly studied Dr. Demens paper in the latest issue of the _Mad Scientist Review_, the old brain was removed and the new brain easily popped into place within the woman's skull.

"Hand me the Flanner Spanner."

"Flanner Spanner," Kimga repeated.

Fascinated by the procedure, Rongor accidentally stepped on the tail of the doctor's pet cat, which let out an angry caterwaul.

"Get that cat out of here!" the doctor ordered. "Ready to close. Hand me the Bortel Retractor."

"Bortel Retractor," was Kimga's studious reply.

"Cranium closed. Phase One complete!"

Next checking the Electrostatic Illuminator, he noted that the device was now fully charged. As each lightning strike beyond the castle flashed through the windows, they lit up the mad scientist's face, anticipation now gleaming from every pore of his bright blue skin.

He grabbed the electrical leads from the ESI and quickly attached them to each of the woman's gloves, one black, the other green. Donning a pair of thick welder's glasses, he cackled evilly as he prepared to throw the master switch.

Turning toward his two assistants, he gloated, "Now, witness the latest and greatest product of my unlimited genius, as I restore her to magnificent life!"

As he threw the switch, several hundred thousand volts shot through the still form that lay before them. Her back arched up from the table from the incredible power now coursing through her body. As the seconds ticked by, the woman's face began to glow eerily green.

"Yes, yes! It's finally working, ha-ha-hah!"

The timer dinged at last, and the doctor quickly shut down the equipment and disconnected the leads. Placing a stethoscope on the woman's chest, he carefully listened for any sign of life. He was overjoyed when he detected not only a heartbeat, but normal respiration as well.

Barely able to contain his excitement, he gushed, "Yes! Boy-oh-boy-oh-boy! It worked! She's alive! _She's alive!"_

The body began to stir.

"Arise, my creation! Behold, _the perfect woman!"_

Her eyes fluttered open, and she began to groan.

"Whoa, wha… where am I?"

Her dark green eyes began to slowly focus on the doctor as she continued to groggily speak.

"Und just who are you?"

He gazed back at her with a fond smile. "I am Dr. Drewbenstein, and this is my laboratory. And I have just, well, brought you back from the dead. Tell me, what is the last thing that you remember?"

She lifted her gloved hands and began to massage her aching temples. "Vell, I was being hung for skipping Professor Barkenstein's very last class of the semester before graduating from Mittelstein Hochschule. Not only did that loser not take me up on my offer to take a sommerschule make-up credit, but he had me immediately tried and executed!"

She then noticed her different colored gloves. Suddenly discovering the rest of her harlequin-patterned clothing, she began to whine, "Ach! What kind of fashion horror have you dressed me in? No only do my gloves not match, but green und black look horrible together! Have you no sense of color coordination?"

Kimga began to pale as a chill went up her spine. "That voice… it sounds strangely familiar. Well, perhaps not the voice itself, but I'd recognize zat syntax and shallow self-centeredness anywhere."

The woman sat up and began to inspect her body, quickly discovering that it wasn't the same one she'd had that afternoon.

"Und what's this? This isn't even my own body! Gott im Himmel, what have you done to me? Somebody, get me a mirror, schnell!"

Kimga quickly obliged while Dr. Drewbenstein hastily tried to explain. "Through my undeniable genius, I've successfully transplanted your brain into this new, beautiful body."

But after one look in the mirror, she screamed, not in horror, but in livid anger. "Beautiful? Are you crazy? I'm only 17, but this body looks at least 25, if not 30! My skin is green, und my hair looks like it was styled by some kind of freako!"

Dr. Drewbenstein took a step back in fear at the woman's relentless tirade, noting that her coiffure had been changed into a huge beehive of frizzy white hair shot through with black stripes, thanks to the terrific electric current of the ESI.

"That, uh, can be touched up a little bit of course. A little hair relaxer and a new dye job, and you'll be as right as rain!"

She shot back, "I don't think so, you loser! Und my makeup, it looks more like, like crayola! There's no _vay_ I can be seen in public like zis! Why, I'd lose my hard won spot at the top of the food chain!"

Kimga's face darkened in terrible realization of just whose brain Rongor had pilfered. "nnnNNNGGGHHH! Rongor, what have you done?!"

Dr. Drewbenstein next posed his own question, one that he was afraid to ask, fearing what the answer might be. "Rongor, where exactly did you say that you got that brain?"

Rongor immediately blanched. "Oops, sorry, Herr Doktor D. But I think I _may_ have gotten the brain of a particular hochschule cheerleader by accident. Und, heh-heh, unfortunately one of the snarkiest students in Mittelstein's history: Bonnie Rockenwaller."

Sadly placing his face in his hands, the doctor moaned, "_Now_ he tells me…"

As Bonnie continued her rant, he tried to figure out what to do next. "Well, I certainly wouldn't be happy listening to a shrew like _that_ for the rest of my life, no matter _how_ beautiful and exquisite the form. Maybe if I tried again, but with a different brain…"

But fate was once again about to come knocking, and quite literally. A sudden pounding was heard at the front door, followed by a bellicose voice.

"Open up, Dr. Drewbenstein! Vee know zat you're in there, since we could see your laboratory's spitzensparken all the way from town!"

Kimga gasped, "It is Herr Barkenstein! Und it is also 10 PM, which means zat the angry mob is right on time!"

But the doctor could only offer a sad sigh in response. "That's all right, I'll go and let them in myself. It's… it's been a pleasure working with you both, and the best of luck to you in your future endeavors."

He morosely descended the stairs as the mob tried to batter down the door. "Hold on, I'm coming!" Opening it with a moaning creak, he came face to face with the furious Herr Barkenstein.

"All right, Herr Doktor! Let us in! And don't try to deny that you've been trying to create yet another monster!"

The doctor laconically replied, "All right, I won't."

Taken aback by Dr. Drewbenstein's unexpectedly resigned attitude, Barkenstein was momentarily speechless. The mad scientist continued, "What's more, the monster is still in my lab. Please, go right up and do what you feel you must."

The incensed mob didn't need to be told twice, forcing their way through the doorway and up the stairs toward the laboratory, torches and pitchforks in hand. A few moments later, a bloodcurdling scream was heard, revealing that the mob had indeed located and dispatched the mad scientist's horrible experiment.

As the doctor slipped out into the night, he mumbled, "Well, it's back to the drawing board, I suppose. Perhaps I should take another shot at building the perfect robot girl again. Tenth time's a charm, as they say…"

Meanwhile, Kimga and Rongor had likewise made their hasty escape.

"Vell, Rongor, vee barely made it out of there alive. So, vat shall vee do now?"

A sly smile broke out on Rongor's face. "Vell, it's not too late for the weekly hayride through town, now zat the storm is over."

She threw her arms up in disgust. "Ach! Roll, roll, roll in zee hay. Is zat all you think about, Rongor?"

"Of course not, KG! I also think about food. Und as you know, zee Doktor's experiments always make me hungry. Zo, you feel like some Kuh-und-Chew? I think they're still open."

With a half-hearted shrug, Kimga agreed as together they trudged off into the distance.

_**Das Ende**_

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><p><em>With a cheerful tip of the hat (or should that be copious apologies?) to Young Frankenstein and The Man With Two Brains.<em>


End file.
